In corporate and office environments we often size people up based on professionalism and forget, a human being exists underneath that suit. We have human reactions.
Some of us are better at suppressing them. Others are able to internally assess and move through them quickly, maintaining mental stability and focus. Still others, at varying degrees of intensity, duration, or frequency, give way to their emotional reactions to work situations.
In 15 years as a professional, I have had all of these reactions and have witnessed colleagues – from front-line staff to executive leadership – cycle through them. On rare occasions, I met someone who appeared stoic, but this was often accompanied by a lower level of engagement and collaboration. A big wall existed between them and nearly everyone else, leaving little room for the kind of connection, vulnerability and conversation that leads to great innovation.
I am an emotional person by nature, and a sensitive person. Many in my family have argued I am too sensitive at times. Others have said it is a gift and I can often feel other people’s feelings and bring awareness and healing to difficult situations. Either way, it presents challenges and opportunities in my life as a VP.
One opportunity is the ability to quickly assess and change approaches and communication styles based on others’ needs, in order to reach the desired outcome. A challenge is having a difficult time letting go in the inevitable moments when someone simply doesn’t like me.
Wherever you fall on the spectrum, Dr. Marcia Reynolds, Psy.D., suggests you recognize your reaction. She questions, “Do you feel fear in your chest, betrayal in your heart, anger in your shoulders, gut or head, or humiliation in the pit of your stomach?” She reminds us, “Your brain works very hard to keep you safe, so it will judge a situation as threatening if there is any possibility of social harm. This is not a logical process.”
Let’s say you’ve worked through your emotions, asked yourself if the person really meant to harm or criticize you, and you have determined they did. Reynolds says, it’s time to decide how much that really matters. In some cases, a situation becomes hostile. HR gets involved or you must decide, do I stay or do I go. Every day interactions rarely rise to that level. Instead, we must deal with difficulty.
She continues, resist trying to change others, “rise above the discord,” and mentally forgive people for not appreciating you or the impact they had on you. I would add, self-reflect often and grow through your own shortcomings. It’s not always everyone else’s fault.
Whatever the case, your mental energy is exhaustible. Reynolds calls it one of your “most precious resources.”
In order to continue doing great things, guard it like you would fine jewels, but also forgive yourself when you are what you are – a human being.
I may feel like a superhero sometimes when I’m firing on all cylinders, but God knows, you won’t find a Wonder Woman logo under my suit. Life reminds me often just how fallible I am and guess what, that’s okay.
Reynolds, M. (Sept. 7, 2012) What to do when someone doesn’t like you: Questions to ask yourself when you feel hurt. Psychology Today. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201209/what-do-when-someone-doesn-t-you.
Some leaders just “get it.” Call it emotional intelligence. Call it an inner compass. Call it strategic vision, but whatever you call it, some have it and some don’t.
Leadership theory has evolved immensely throughout history. The “Great Man” theory said only a certain personality type could rise to power. The authoritarian leadership theory espoused power and control as secrets to success. Others argued a leader had to be in the right place at the right time (situation theory) or had to act a certain way (behavior theory). There was even an anti-leadership leadership theory that argued there is no consistent rule.
Today’s leadership theory recognizes those inconsistencies and presents a new vision. In many ways, it rolls all leadership theories into one.
Today’s leadership theory points to a process in which individuals identify and grow their God-given gifts and abilities into powerful strengths, then practice those strengths in dynamic environments where they can impact change and inspire others.
The beauty of today’s leadership theory resides in its unique complexity. There are no easy answers.
We know now that just because someone is born in the right place at the right time and has certain personality traits, it doesn’t guarantee greatness. Success is not inherent in power and control. Just look at the number of leaders with unbound power who fell from grace.
Today’s leadership theory is complicated because it calls on each individual to examine their life, to explore their gifts, to develop their talents, and to find their passion. Where one person finds greatness in books and shared knowledge, another may find it in business or art.
In fact, some may find it in the quiet, private places.
Consider the older gentleman I sat next to at church who delivered lunch throughout the week to home-bound seniors. He made them laugh and smile in an otherwise bleak day - then he shared his stories and attracted others to volunteer. He was the epitome of leadership.
This May, I will share "Two Simple Ways to Change Your Thinking and Reap the Rewards of Magnetic Leadership" with the Western New York Chapter of the American Business Women’s Association. We’ll explore some challenging questions that will push each participant to think about their unique leadership ability and begin to build on their strengths; but it will require a “letting go” of some traditional leadership myths.
Bill George, author of True North, said it well, “To become authentic leaders, we must discard the myth that leadership means having legions of supporters following our direction as we ascend to the pinnacles of power.”
No – leadership is about finding your inner truth. It’s about drawing others toward a shared vision with tangible impact. Leadership is rarely the same from one person to the next. Leadership is as unique as our fingerprint.
Some of the most successful people in history overcame epic failures. Oprah Winfrey experienced the kind of childhood trauma that crushes the human spirit. Albert Einstein was slow to speak fluently. Bill Gates’ early business idea crashed and burned. Stephen King’s first novel was rejected by dozens of publishing houses.
Yet, they persevered. No. They overcame and overcoming is like an evolution of the human spirit. It can and does lead to greatness.
One of my favorite books of all time is True North by Bill George, former CEO and Harvard business professor. George interviewed successful leaders in business and discovered a commonality. They all faced “crucibles” in their lives, but they overcame. They put their life story in context and moved forward.
That process of pausing, analyzing, learning, and evolving is the human version of the science lab.
Scientists rely heavily on failed experiments as a pathway to success. Before any great medical innovation or technological invention sweeps society, it likely crumbles on the lab floor over and over again. Through failure and the process of elimination, scientists and inventors discover greatness. They discover the needle in the haystack.
Humans are no different, only our lab is our life. If we quit early, we may never reinvent ourselves.
Psychology Today writer Ryan Holiday said, “To gain the benefits [of failure], we have to listen to it and recognize the problems it exposes.”
Perhaps the greatest challenge we face is ourselves. Gaining the courage to stand up after a great big fall is never easy. Our failures are often followed by disappointment, anger, pain, and embarrassment. Yet, those things are temporary.
In a Forbes article, Scott Petinga says turning failure into success takes guts, resilience, initiative and tenacity – things we are all capable of if we choose to embrace them. I know. I have endured huge failures in my life, some of which are the basis of my novel Hope Rising. Nevertheless, I continue on, and that tenacity – as Holiday put it – has led me to some of the best moments in my life and in my profession.
So, what do you need to know?
Embrace your failures. Pick them apart. Look for the problems hiding within. Correct those faults and move forward. Be brave. Be relentless. Be bold. You can and will invent a life you can proud of.
Pamela Witter is a speaker, author, and professional fundraiser. She serves as VP for Development at Trocaire College and owns and operates a small business called Seed Planters. Visit her at www.BeASeedPlanter.com.
Petinga, S. (August 12, 2014) How to Embrace Failure in Order to Become Successful. Forbes.com (Retrieved from: http://www.forbes.com/sites/theyec/2014/08/12/how-to-embrace-failure-in-order-to-become-successful/)
Holiday, R. (March 12, 2014) Why You Should Embrace Failure. Psychology Today.com (retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-obstacle-is-the-way/201405/why-you-should-embrace-failure)
Pamela Say is a published author, fundraiser, and life-long student of leadership. Browse Pam's blog entries for possible conference session or keynote topics. Pam customizes training opportunities for her clients.
Read Pamela's internationally published articles at Orato.World:
Father's death leads son to advocate for firefighter cancer awareness
Father offers forgiveness to five-year-old son's killer
Kenyan journalist forcibly outed, launches Bold Network Africa
Hope Virgo fought for her life, campaigns for eating disorder support
Paxton Smith reflects on graduation speech swap, starting collge, and book deal
From racism to one race: the Jane Elliott story